Pain

As someone with crohn's disease, pain is an every day part of my life. Most of the time, I hardly remember what being "normal", or pain free feels like. It's just something you deal with. And the pain changes: in intensity, location, what type of pain, how it effects you life, your mind, thoughts, actions, relationships. but who really wants to hear about your pain? noone. why would they? I certainly don't want to hear about anyone else's pain that I can't do anything about. what do you say but "sorry"?
I can completely understand that, which is why I try my damndest to keep quiet about how I feel. I dread being concidered sickly or weak or delicate or a whiner or WHATEVER. And even if people don't think those things, they eventually will come to some judgement on who I am based on the status of my health. And most will just run for the hills. Fine. Whatever. Fuck them. To ME, it takes a hell of a lot of strength, fortitude and courage to continue through life with a smile AND bleeding guts, beat up spine, whatever. Most of those who pass judgement will never have to try to deal with a life blanketed wtih pain, and I use that knowledge as salve on my aching ego when they do judge.
But there comes a time when you have to confide in someone, namely healthcare professionals who, from time to time, have the power to actually help out. When the pain snaps you to attention and you are left panting and unable to think about a single thing except the exact moment that you are living; when you can no longer be stoic or thoughtful, or helpful, or anything except THERE; you have no choice but to reach out for some help.
So I've had a couple of those moments recently from some nerve pain, which can be slightly masked by pharmaceuticals, so I broke down and asked for some pain relief (with the crohns, most over the counter pain relievers are big no-nos) from my doc's office. I don't know if its my age or WHAT, but when I make these calls (very very very rare), I can be sure that I will be greeted with the attitude that I'm some sort of addict. More judgement. From the one person that I must share my personal and extreme feelings with. I'm reduced by the pain to having no quality of life, because what life can you realistically have when you can't even think? Then I have to be reduced to a beggar, trying to explain why I need the relief, and that I promise i won't call again anytime soon, and please can't they do something? It makes me feel awful. Its like you know they think you are lying or exaggerating. I'm like "Hello!! I know pain, I know how to meditate and breath it away to the point that I can function. I know how to deal with it, I know I know I know, but THIS TIME I CAN'T" And besides, don't they say that pain is a vital sign? So would they ignore my other vitals? Would they judge me based on them? Why pain? why do even health care folks pass judgement based on the pain that a person feels? It's ridiculous, and it makes me feel desparate to be someone else. Ahhhh, life.