MMMMM

I haven't posted anything in a while here. I guess it's because of a number of things.

#1 I don't think anyone really reads it, which sometimes I really don't care about, this blog is here mainly because I can't help but get some rants out SOMEPLACE, and noone around me really seems to care (except my sweetie, but he doesn't really get into the details of it all). But sometimes it does really bug me, like why do I waste my time?

#2 I don't have a laptop, and my computer at home sucks. Anyone want to donate for a new compu?

#3 I've been in alot of pain lately which kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I was doing fine, and my pain meds had hit the point of not being that effective, so I thought: why am I even on them? Let me just go ahead and stop taking them. Well of course at that point I realized that they WERE working, and all of the white pain came back. This was very depressing, as I had kind of hoped that the chronicness of it wasn't actually like a lifetime chronic. Now I'm not so sure.... the Crohn's is for life, and the docs seem to think that this is all related. Like my pain doc said: you are just a strong, healthy young lady with an inflammatory auto immune disease. Sheesh, great! I don't want to be THAT PERSON. The one with the pain. FUCK. I SO DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON, the one that everyone secretly thinks is just malingering. And when I am feeling well.... Do I really want to go through all of that shit again? The friends heading for the hills when you can't be the "reliable" one anymore? The isolation of that is just too much. I'd rather just push everyone away and not have to deal with it. Or think about how others are juding me. And I don't want to be a complainer, and I don't want to make excuses for why I can't do the laundry, or do the dishes, or have sex...... because that is what it feels like, an excuse. Like, if I just tried harder, if I wanted it more, if if if if if if..... then.... what? I wouldn't be in pain? I could WILL this all away? I don't know.

My friend's sister, who is actually a big inspiration to me, even though I really just know her through voyeurism (I read her blog), summed up one issue really well:

"You have no idea how comforting your boring routine is until it is wholly lost and you find yourself creating a new routine out of hospital visits and cycles of drugs and recovery—only to lose that, too, when treatment ends or evolves. That is where I am at now. I have lost all my routines and I don’t know how to create a new one."

I'm there, and I'm just kind of sick of picking myself up and dusting myself off. Better to just lay on the couch all day and wait until sleep comes.