Coming Clean

No this post isn't about my latest colonoscopy, but it is about something that might end up being nearly as painful. I came out at work. That is to say, that I admitted to having Crohn's disease, and all of the fun "extras" that come along with it (bursitis, tendonitis, chronic pain and joint problems). When I was first diagnosed, I could never understand the position that some people took to NOT tell those around them what was going on. In fact, the first person who I met after my diagnosis who had Crohn's, my "Crohn's mentor," worked at a university, helping disabled students make their way through their college years. She was a staunch advocate for their rights as students, but never told any of her workmates that she had any disease herself. They would puzzle when she was obviously in distress, and they didn't know why, but she remained mute. I couldn't understand WHY she would keep silent like that. But as my experience in the workplace expanded, and I saw why the ADA is necessary, and found myself needing to meet with lawyers about my rights as a worker with a "disability," I decided that at my new job, I didn't want to face the conscious and subconscious judgment of ability that happens when people know that you have a chronic illness. At other jobs, I had naively thought that people would judge my ability based on, well, my actual ability. Turns out that people's perception of my ability was what prevailed at the end of the day, not my work, not anything I was producing or not producing. So this time around, I thought: Screw it, I don't need the hassle.

So why have I decided to let the world in on my "secret"? I've been preparing myself over the past few weeks to meet with disability rights groups as a part of my new job. I've been reading literature from groups like ADAPT, and others who have great sayings like: "I'd rather die in prison than live in a nursing home" or; "Danger, defective on the loose." In other words, groups who are proud and loud. It got me thinking about my "disability" that I don't think of as being a disability. I am covered under the ADA, I do face people's ignorance and judgment based on their perceptions, just like the people I'm reading about who are shouting about their rights from the rooftops. I'm trying to get around those problems by "passing." That is to say: I'm not in a wheelchair, I don't have any adaptive device that I use on a daily basis where people can tell right off the bat that I have obstacles to face due to health issues. In fact, on days when I can barely walk and I have to break out my cane, I was only using it until I entered a hallway where I knew a person was present, at which point I would whip my cane under my arm, pull my face into a smile and walk as assuredly and hurriedly past them as possible, until I rounded the corner, and could lean on it once again.

So, I can pass when needed, but it begs the question: just because I can pass, does it mean that I should? When I go to meet with these disability groups, do I tell them in order to gain their trust, while keeping silent to those around me? Just because I don't think of myself as having a disability, does that really matter? I know that many people who are immediately identified as disabled don't think of themselves that way either, but they still have to face the obstacles of other's opinions. Which brought me back to my mentor. She eventually came out to her workmates as well. What caused her to change her mind? The students she worked with who had disabilities. When they found out that she too had one, and had been keeping silent about it, while encouraging them in the process to push for their own rights, they felt betrayed. And I knew what I had to do. The next day I went out to lunch with my supervisor and laid it all on the line. No big deal, this is what I'm dealing with, this is what I might need from time to time, and this is why I haven't said anything up to this point. He seemed fine with it, and there we are. Who knows what will happen down the line if for example I have a really bad flare, and people around the office start to chatter (or, like in other offices, people might start to chatter even without a flare). I may not be a "Freedom Fighter" just yet, but at least I don't feel like a hypocrite.