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columbus represent

Monday, December 04, 2006

Anger

I'm angry today. That doesn't sound like a surprising statement if you know me, but this is not the kind of anger that I usually have. I am usually angry at the world, at injustice, at ignorance etc.  Today I am angry with myself.  Usually I am just disappointed in myself, but today I am really MAD.
 
A couple of posts ago I mentioned that I was feeling well, and was doing my best to keep it that way by not overdoing it. Not doing all of the things that I so wanted to do, so that I could be responsible, and in the process keep pain and illness at bay.  Then the weekend came, along with a cold snap, the flu, and 2 days of working outside in that cold, going door to door for my job, accomplishing little to nothing except making myself hurt again. 
 
After once again silently putting myself through the hell of withdrawl from pain medicines, I was forced to start taking them again (which means I will be forced to endure withdrawl again). And for what? All because I couldn't stand up for myself and be the advocate that I would so willingly be for someone else.  I don't want to seem incompetent, I am already battling perception issues that I don't know how to control, so I kept my mouth shut and didn't say what needed to be said: This is stupid, this isn't helping this organization, this is going to send me into a spiral of gimpiness that will take....who knows how long to recover from, and will leave me with nothing left for my family who in this struggle always gets the short end of the stick.  Why is it so hard for me to say: I can't do this.  I guess because in my mind, and in my life I have always been able to do whatever. I can push myself through anything, despite how grueling.  It doesn't mean that I won't suffer for doing it, but I can do it. I guess the hard part isn't me saying that I can't do something, but rather that I shouldn't do something.
 
That is why I am mad. I know better, I am smarter than this, I shouldn't care what people think of me by this point. I don't need to be the stoic soldier 100% of the time.  It would be stupid for me to try, because it's just not possible. I'm pushing myself to ruin and for what?!?! The hope that people won't see how much I suffer?  The hope that I will be seen as "normal" in other people's eyes if I just buck up?  Why do I associate suffering with weakness?  And why do I make that association only with myself, and not with others?  If I keep down this road, my self worth will be down the drain right along with my health. Not cool.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

don't be too mad at yourself -- it's not good for you. but change this. know that when people are open with their limitations, it benefits everyone in the long run. wait; i know you know this -- just make sure that you apply it to yourself also!!! :) love you woman!

11:33 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

christine--i am learning the struggle you go through every day. i am mostly back to my old strength, but not quite there. So the long hours are inching their way back into my life, day by day, and i don't know how to hold them off. I want to be able to do everything i did before, but my ears have been ringing very loudly, and i get a headache everytime i climb a flight of stairs or walk more than a block. and now that i've taken on too much and am paying for it, i don't know how to take a step back. it will seem like failure. and i don't want anyone to see me that way. so i think i know how you are feeling, and i think we both need to stand up for ourselves. we both know that, but doing it is another thing. i think we'll both get better with practice. i hope so anyway.

love you, rose.

12:47 PM

 

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